Moving to a new country is a stressful and life-changing event. It is a transition that takes time to overcome. Like any life change, it comes with many emotional phases, often referred to as the “emotional rollercoster” of relocation. These phases can vary from person to person, but many experience a similar progression.
Excitement and Euphoria (Honeymoon Phase)
When you first move to a new country you are filled with excitement and curiosity about what awaits you. You have done lots of researching and planning, spoken with people, and you think what to expect. Perhaps you have already visited the place before as a tourist, and now the dream of living there is coming true.
When you finally arrive, this idea meets reality, and the magic happens. It is a wonderful feeling of fulfillment because you have been planning this move for many months. All the nervousness and anxiety of the move disappears, and you find yourself in a strange state of happiness. Maybe you do not have an apartment or furniture yet, maybe you have children around waiting to start school, maybe you landed yesterday and you are checking how to go to work, maybe you are just drinking your morning coffee planning to explore the city, but everything feels perfect because the move is done.
I remember when I moved to Madrid I was super excited and could not wait to explore the city. I love walking and biking, so after a couple of months I could manage myself perfectly. I knew the name of the streets, bars, restaurants, libraries —which are my favorite place— and everything the city could offer. I was full of energy. Since I did not have a job at that time, I decided to invest my time in something worthy: getting to know the place and its culture. It is one of the best things you can do.
Culture Shock
After a few months, you start feeling and noticing how the honeymoon comes to an end. All the excitement shifts to this state of mind where you are more aware of the cultural differences and social norms. What at the beginning was fascinating, now is frustrating and giving you second thoughts.
Why do they have to do things like that?
Being critical and frustrated with the new place is a normal part of the process. When I moved to Finland, I admired how everything was perfectly organized and followed the rules—such a contrast to my home country in South America, where things are more spontaneous. But after a while, the predictability started to irritate me. I could not plan going for a drink with a friend two weeks in advance, and making medical appointments seemed to take forever.
The language is something that still shocks me after three years, but it is Finnish language, it is understandable. The other day I was at this party, and I had decided that I would only speak Finnish for the time being, but after less than an hour I quitted. It was difficult, I can manage a table with four or five people, but when you are in a bigger group, and hearing at the same time many other conversations…it is mission impossible!
It is funny but even in Spain happened, where I have a common language and more or less similar culture. It took me a while to get used to the idiomatic expressions. At the beginning, I was learning and leaving apart the slang —which is deeply connected to your identity—, and then, I started using the Spaniards expressions —it felt strange and uncomfortable—, but I had to do it an got used to it. I also remember all the bureaucratic processes were so long, with so many papers to fill, and they did not say everything at once, so every time you took your papers, they were asking for more papers the next time. It astonished me.
All this little things start growing as a snowball and triggers your mind to frustration, anxiety and homesickness. You start thinking more of your own culture, family and friends, which leads to the following phase.
Homesickness and Disillusionment
This is quite a daunting phase, especially if it hits before you have made any real friends. It depends so much on the individual, but I remember it as challenging. Looking backwards, it makes me remember my first year in Spain. We were travelling a lot and receiving many visits from both Argentina and Finland. However, every time the visits left I felt lonely, because in spite of my efforts of making friends, I could not make them.
I attended Finnish classes, did volunteer work, and joined a writing workshop, but the social relations did not go further than that. But while I expanded my network, it was not the same as building real friendships. The feeling of not having friends was difficult, because it makes you miss more your own friends and family, and obviously this negative feelings makes double-guess your decision of moving.
Luckily, I made good friends through my wife’s network, attending cocktails and events during the first year, and finally when I started my master studies, I made good friends. In the end, it is a matter of time, you need to be patient, as the saying goes, “let the water flow under the bridge”.
Adjustment and Adaptation
After about a year, you become aware of how things have changed. You have settled, know the city, made friends or a bigger network, you manage your daily routines with ease, and you feel you have learnt how to navigate the new culture.
I remember this feeling of empowerment and adaptation, this ability to be able to navigate the new culture. It takes a while, but when you finally reach it, it feels so good! You know how to move in the city, learnt the language or specific vocabulary, you have adopted some of their new customs and habits, and you start feeling at home in your new country. My wife always says that my “finnification” —if this word exists —is going great: I speak the language, love karaoke, sauna and beer, love going for a walk to the forest, and I always prefer going to traditional Finnish restaurants than new hipster ones.
This adaptation does not mean you will not miss family and friends. You will always miss them, because you love them, but you experience it differently, it is not so painful. Mostly, because you have developed a network and have built a solid routine. There will be difficulties, but you are self-confident, have a sense of belonging, and the fact of achieving goals helps a lot to keep on going.
Biculturalism
At this point, you may feel so comfortable in your new country that it feels like home. You have become fluent in the new language, in the cultural nuances, have adopted, and incorporated the new customs, and you can even consider yourself as a “global citizen”.
I think that it is important to maintain your individuality and identity, because having adopted new customs and values is very important for integration, but you always have to remember where you come from. I know many people who have moved away, regretted where they came from, and embraced the new culture, behaving as if it were their own. Or others, that keep their home culture within their private life.
The idea of biculturalism is that there are two cultures, so blending these cultural differences gives an outcome of the best elements of each. It gives a richer worldview, offering people the best of both cultures, and making you more empathetic and globally aware. The key point is to be flexible and be able to switch between cultural contexts with ease.
Reintegration or Reverse Culture Shock
Living abroad for a while changes your inner-self, because you have experienced personal growth, developed new skills, embraced and adopted new customs and values, earn a richer worldview, and when you go back to your hometown, you may experience a reverse cultural shock. Things that before were the known familiar life, now has shifted, and you may feel out of place.
I remember the last couple of times I went on holidays to Buenos Aires, and I felt a disconnection with the city and the society in general. Buenos Aires is a big, fast and vibrant city, where people are quite nervous and are running or speeding in cars, and Helsinki is the opposite. I feel how anxious and stressed I become there, mostly when I am with the kids, but also alone.
Furthermore, it also happens with friends and family, because living in different environments makes people have different perceptions and worries about the reality you are living in. Misunderstandings, miscommunications, ways of behaving, organizing, planning. I have experienced all this differences. That is why every time I think of it, I get really empathetic with my Finnish wife, who loves planning. Nevertheless, I am flexible, and I analyze each situation: I love improvising and being spontaneous, but I have learnt that sometimes I need to plan.
Final Thoughts
It is important to note that relocation phases are fluid. They are not linear, and you may move back and forth between them. The process is unpredictable, much like life itself. You live, you learn, and you grow.
Additionally, one thing is moving to a country and settling there for a long time, and another is moving every three or four years. The second option is more challenging, I believe, because when you finally reach biculturalism, you need to leave. All the stress, anxiety and struggling of building everything, blows away to start over again. It reminds me to the Myth of Sisyphus, where he was condemned by the Gods to do an endless task, which was to pull a boulder to the top of a mountain, and when reaching it, letting it fall to start over again. In Camus’ interpretation, a man of his time, it is absurd and a meaningless action, but Sisyphus was happy to embrace the absurdity and struggle of pushing that silly stone.
For me, as in one of my favorite films —Dead Poets Society— it means ‘Carpe Diem’ or ‘Seize the day.’ Use your freedom to create your own meanings, your own values, and your own answers through your actions. Take advantage of the opportunities in front of you, and make the most of every moment, because what you miss is lost, and tomorrow is not guaranteed. You are defined by what you do, not what you say. One thing is life (actions), the other is literature (words, fiction). I believe the most valuable thing in life is our experiences: no one and nothing can take them away.
Managing the Emotional Transition
