Living Abroad: The Silent Grief Behind the Adventure

Living abroad is often seen as exciting, adventurous, and full of promise. And it is. But behind the photos, job opportunities, and “new beginnings” lies a less visible emotional landscape—one that many of us don’t talk about often enough.

It takes courage and determination to leave behind your home country. You might move for love, career opportunities, or simply the desire for change—but no matter the reason, there is always a cost. Home, friends, language, culture, and the comfort of the familiar are left behind in exchange for something new, uncertain, and foreign.

Last weekend, I met a man who had followed his partner to Finland. He had built a stable life here: found a good job, enjoyed the social services and quality of life, and appreciated the peacefulness of Helsinki. And yet, he admitted he deeply missed his country, his people, and the way of life he grew up with. I understood him immediately. We’re from the same city. And although I, too, appreciate the safety and beauty of life here in Finland, I know that feeling—the one that doesn’t go away even when life is objectively good.

This emotional dissonance is familiar to many expats. It’s a tug-of-war between gratitude for what you’ve gained and grief for what you’ve lost. And while we often cope the best way we know how, it’s worth questioning the strategies we use.

The (Sometimes Unhelpful) Comfort of Rationalization and Denial

One common coping mechanism is rationalization: “I’m here for love,” “This is a better life,” “It was the right decision.” And yes, those things may be true. But rationalizing doesn’t erase the sorrow of distance and change. It just keeps it quiet—for a while.

Another mechanism is denial. Some prefer not to think about what they’ve left behind. It’s easier, in the short term, to focus on the present and not open the emotional drawer where homesickness lives. And for some, this works.

But in today’s world, denial is becoming harder. Technology has shortened distances. We video call our families, see our friends’ lives on social media, get daily reminders of what we’re missing. The illusion of detachment is harder to maintain when your past life is just a ping away.

The Modern Expat Challenge

When my father moved abroad 60 years ago, he received handwritten letters every few months. There was space for emotional distance, even if that distance came with loneliness. Today, our minds and hearts are in constant dialogue with both the past and the present. That makes adjustment more complex.

Finding Your Way to Truly Thrive

So what can we do to genuinely thrive abroad?

In my experience, two key things matter most: support and attitude.

Support can come from community, coaching, therapy, friends, or local networks. It’s about not walking the path alone.

Attitude, on the other hand, is a mindset that recognizes the complexity of this experience. It’s about learning to hold both gratitude and grief at the same time. Not everyone has this mindset naturally—but it can be developed. It’s about accepting that feeling sad or disoriented doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. It just means you’re human.

Living abroad is not just about adapting to a new culture. It’s about reimagining your identity, relationships, and sense of belonging. And like any transformation, it requires space, time, and tenderness.